By Corey Don
Introduction
During my work over the past twenty years as a consultant, facilitator and coach I have seen and been subjected to various types and degrees of Psychological Abuse. From multi-national corporations to church groups, I have witnessed the pain and negative consequences suffered not only by the direct victims of psychological abuse, but by everyone who is witness to the abuse.
One definition of Psychological Abuse characterizes it as “including emotional abuse, threats of harm or abandonment, deprivation of contact or communication, humiliation, blaming, controlling, intimidation, coercion, harassment, verbal abuse, isolation or withdrawal from services or supportive networks”. We often refer to Psychological Abuse as ‘Bullying’.
So what right do I, a Business Consultant and Coach, have to write about Psychological Abuse, much less propose an approach? From an early age I witnessed and experienced various forms of Psychological Abuse in my family, in school, service organizations, businesses and within my social circle.
As a consultant in both for-profit and not-for-profit organizations where I had been hired to help the organization solve its ‘business’ problems, it became apparent that most, if not all, issues boiled down to some form of dysfunction in the relationships amongst the people in the organization. The ‘business’ solution was not hard to figure out; the real issue was overcoming the obstacles that prevented these organizations from being what they said they wanted to be.
I found that the answer was to explore the interactions of the various paradigms, core beliefs and emotions that each individual brought to the organization. Once these often conflicting beliefs were brought to light, I noticed that people began to take responsibility for not only the organizational dynamics that were not working, but for their own beliefs and actions that contributed to the situation.
Through learning about psychology, organizational dynamics, mediation, and coaching I came to see an approach to solving Psychological Abuse issues that focused on empowering the so-called ‘victims’ of abuse so that they could develop their own solution with support and guidance.
An Alternative Approach
First a note of caution: Psychological Abuse can lead to many real psychological, emotional and health issues. I would encourage anyone who is experiencing Psychological Abuse to seek help from family, friends, support groups or professional counselors. In cases of severe Psychological Abuse I would also strongly recommend that you look for professional help outside the institution or organization where you are experiencing the Psychological Abuse, before raising the issue internally. Outside experts can guide you through your options and have expertise in dealing with these situations. Seek professional help if you are dealing with an abuser that you suspect has a psychological or personality disorder or is being physically abusive.
In cases where the Psychological Abuse is less severe there have been a number of approaches recommended that focus primarily on what other people are doing (i.e. abusers or ‘bullies’) and what we can do to stop them. They speak of intervention, mediation, legal remedies, changing attitudes and cultures and putting in place ‘checks and balances’ to expose and eliminate psychologically abusive behaviors. This is what I call the ‘Head-Centered Approach’. There are many excellent resources including books and support groups that provide information in this crucial first step towards moving beyond abuse.
The Head-Centered Approach provides many powerful tactics and tools to help stop instances of Psychological Abuse. Yet, I have experienced some potential pitfalls when this is the only approach we use. One, this approach often focuses on preventing the symptoms of abuse, rather eliminating the cause. Two, we cannot become truly free of experiencing Psychological Abuse until we understand what we may be contributing to the cycle of abuse, and we aren’t likely to do that as long as we focus on ‘fixing’ the bully. This does not mean that the bully is not responsible for their behavior; it simply means that until we take 100% responsibility for our half of the situation there will be no true resolution.
I am not suggesting that the tactics espoused in the Head-Centered Approach such as changing our culture or defining expectations of appropriate behavior are not worthy goals. To the contrary, these are important steps in ridding our society of Psychological Abuse. I am suggesting, however, that an additional approach, that I call the Heart-Centered Approach, could be used in conjunction with the Head-Centered Approach. The Heart-Centered Approach can help people who have experienced Psychological Abuse move from victim-hood to empowerment and take responsibility to ensure that they are no longer ‘bully-bait’.
The Heart-Centered Approach is about the positive changes we can make in our own life in response to psychologically abusive behavior. It focuses on ourselves rather than the ‘other’; on moving beyond “doing” something about psychological abuse to “being” free from it. It is about becoming the change you want to see in the world.
In the remainder of the article I will outline some tools that may be useful. They aren’t in any particular order, and you may choose to try some or all of them if they resonate with you. I would suggest you take away from this article what works for you and leave the rest.
Focus on the Outcome
One of the most common reactions to Psychological Abuse is to spend our time and energy focusing on the abuser. This takes the form of questions like “Why is this person doing this?” or “How can I get even with them?” Although this is a very natural response, the longer we focus on the abuser rather than ourselves, the longer the cycle continues.
In my discussions with psychologists and mediators who deal with Psychological Abuse issues it is clear that we need to find a safe place (such as friends, counselors etc.) to share and vent our pain and anger in order to be able to move to the next step. However, they also point out the risk of becoming stuck in this cycle of anger, that when taken to extremes, can alienate the very people who wish to help us. I’ll discuss a little later how being in a state of a low energy emotion such as anger actually feeds the abuse situation. For now its important to get clear on what you choose to experience.
The ultimate goal or outcome is to be free of Psychological Abuse. If we focus on changing other people’s behavior, gaining retribution, or even how we can out-bully them, we are in fact feeding the abuse cycle with the exact same energy that creates it in the first place. One of the most powerful ways to use our heart to change our circumstances is to empower ourselves by focusing on what we choose to experience. (Using the word ‘choose’ here is important as it is far more powerful to ‘choose’ than to ‘want’ or to ‘hope’) By writing down what you choose the outcome to be, and reading it regularly, you come from a place of positive energy.
The old 80/20 rule is still good advice: focus 80% of your effort on the solution and only 20% of your effort on defining (or ruminating about!) the problem. It’s a good idea to write down in clear terms what you want the outcome to be. A few rules about designing your outcome statement:
Decide what you want to experience or how you want to be treated. Use words like love, respect, caring, dignity etc.
Focus on you, not the abuser. Statements such as “John will stop being abusive” are not powerful as they focus on changing someone else rather than on what you choose to experience.
Put it in positive terms. Focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want. For example “I have mutually respectful relationships with everyone at work” is more powerful than “I no longer am abused”.
Use present tense rather than future tense e.g. “I have a caring relationship with all my neighbors” instead of “I will have a caring relationship…”
If you do not feel that a statement such as “I have respectful relationships with all my family” is true, you can modify the statement with something like “More and more everyday I have respectful relationships with all my family”
As the old axiom goes, “Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want”.
For those of you that are familiar with affirmations, this may all sound familiar. The idea is to have a positive statement or goal that you can bring yourself back to whenever you get caught in the cycle of rehashing the past or feeling angry or victimized. Having an outcome statement helps keep us focused on what we want and grounds us when we stray into endless thought loops that disempower us. There are a number of good books on affirmations that provide much more detail on how to write them and how they work.
Reframe the Experience
“Reframing” is a tool used by counselors, coaches and mediators. It involves restructuring a thought or belief pattern to focus on the positive aspects of a situation. The goal is to look at the facts in the situation to determine what positive interpretation could be true. In many cases it can be used to take the emotional response out of the equation. For example, I try to use the term “experienced Psychological Abuse” rather than “been the victim of a bully”. This is a conscious reframing of the situation that is less emotionally loaded and more empowering.
Another way of looking at this is to “find the gift” in the experience. In my own life I have experienced Psychological Abuse many times. I can find a number of gifts in these experiences. I have been able to examine the core beliefs (or should I say core lies!) that I carried around about what kind of treatment I deserved in my life. I now know how I contributed to the abuse situation (for example by having weak boundaries) and what behaviors served me and what behaviors did not. I have a greater understanding of the pain and fear that many abusers have absorbed that drives their abusive behavior. And maybe part of the gift is that I can now write this article that may help others.
Some examples of the gift in the abuse situation could include:
The opportunity to acknowledge your own strengths and resilience. If you are reading this, then that’s proof enough that you have survived a difficult experience. Now may be the time to write down all the amazing things about yourself that you now know to be true.
The opportunity to examine what you want and deserve in life. Is it time to leave behind a dysfunctional work situation or group of friends? Is this a sign to change careers or find a different school? Are there people and situations that you need to gracefully leave behind? What is it that you want to experience in this life? What do you need to change to make it happen?
The opportunity to see if you have core beliefs, attitudes or behaviors that do not serve you. Often painful experiences are a sign that we are holding onto beliefs or ideas that don’t support what we want to experience in our life. We’re we told that we weren’t smart enough or good enough? Did someone drill into our head that we get what we deserve and we don’t deserve much? Have these beliefs become subconscious?
The opportunity to help other people. Is this your chance to become a role model for how to deal with abusive people? A time to start a Website or support group for people who are dealing with abuse? Can you learn about abusers and how to deal with them so you can teach your children?
The opportunity to forgive. The more we learn about abuse and abusers the more we can come to understand the pain and fear that lies behind their behavior. I mean this as a very practical approach: letting go of the anger, bitterness or resentment that keeps us focused on the past. Forgiveness does not mean we condone the behavior, but that we will not let low energy emotions fester inside us.
If you have trouble thinking about what is positive in the current situation ask yourself “What could be good about this?” You may want to talk this over with a friend who might be able to provide an outside view.
Reframing is not “every cloud has a silver lining”, its developing a more powerful belief about any given situation. It can be very useful in staying focused on the outcome you want, rather than in a disempowered state.
Understand the Energy of Abuse
One of the areas that I have rarely seen covered in information on abuse is how our energy impacts the cycle of abuse. Ever walked into a room where people are arguing or fighting and felt a heaviness in the air? Ever used the expression, “you could cut the air with a knife”? Ever been around someone who is extremely angry and been able to feel the anger? Or someone who is sad and you become sad? This is because emotions are energy and the so-called negative emotions (such as fear, bitterness, resentment, anger, hate etc.) are low vibration, heavy emotions. (The opposite is true for high vibration emotions, like the person whose happiness is ‘infectious’)
There are basically two core types of emotional energy. Low vibration, heavy energy feeds off fear and self-doubt. Fear and self-doubt can have many faces such as anger, resentment, hatred, bitterness, futility, judgment etc. For the purposes of this article, I’ll just refer to fear and self-doubt (Psychologists call self-doubt “shame”), although we need to understand that fear masquerades as many low vibration emotions. The second core emotional energy, or high vibration energy, comes from love and trust in all its various forms such as hopefulness, optimism, empowerment etc.
Emotional energy tends to attract the same. For example, when we are angry we tend to trigger the anger or fear in other people. When we are in a place of these low vibration energies we tend to react from fear, rather than a place of empowerment. It is in this place of low energy that we are susceptible to being manipulated or controlled as we literally cannot access the higher functions of our brain.
Coming from fear or anger can lead us to focus our energy on retribution, punishment or proving that we are right and someone else is wrong (the goal is to stop the abuse, not retribution). In the worst case scenario, we can inadvertently use abusive tactics to cure the abuse (Does beating a child for bullying someone stop or reinforce the cycle of abuse? They may not bully the same person again, or they may find different ways to bully, but the fear and anger that drives them to be abusive has been reinforced). Although in the short term we may feel some gratification from these outcomes, they do nothing in helping us to ensure that we won’t experience abuse.
I suggest that all of us, at least in some area of our lives, experience the feeling of self-doubt. This self-doubt boils down to feeling at some level, in some circumstances, we are not enough, not good enough, not competent enough, not smart, attractive, educated enough etc. Of course these fear based beliefs are fallacies because we are not fundamentally flawed even if many of our social institutions including family, schools, governments, churches and businesses would have us believe it. (Seen any commercials lately that tell us that we could be happy if only we were thinner, better dressed or drank the ‘right’ beer? The underlying assumption being that we are flawed and a product will fix us).
Many institutions are guided by shame, where one constant theme is to teach us that we are never quite good enough, and that we need to meet someone else’s definition of ‘good’ before we can be acceptable. And in many cases it will never be possible to meet these standards. They instill in us a belief that there is a right and a wrong way to be and if we are “wrong” then we are flawed. It matters little what might be right or wrong for us personally, the “right” and “wrong” are usually designed to serve the purposes of the institution, not the individuals that are part of it.
Abusers are usually well schooled in using these fears and self-doubt as a weapon. Many of them have experienced Psychological Abuse and have learned to use the tactics themselves. From the very subtle “I can’t believe you would do that!” to more aggressive tactics such as “How could you be so stupid!”, abusive tactics run the gamut in undermining our sense of self-worth. Psychological Abuse is often so subtle that we aren’t even aware at first that we are being abused, but over time the abuse takes its toll. Therefore the goal of the abuser is to trigger their “victims” to go to a place of fear and self-doubt, and to keep them there.
It is critical, if we want to stop the cycle of abuse, to take responsibility for our emotional energy. Do we habitually respond to abuse with low energy thoughts or a disempowering emotional response pattern? This is not about finding things to criticize yourself for (unless harsh self-criticism is a clue as to why you allow others to bully you), but rather an opportunity to become aware of any underlying core beliefs or emotions that make you more susceptible to Psychological Abuse. Some examples of disempowering core emotions and behaviors include:
Perfectionism
Trying to control situations or other people
Fear of being rejected, abandoned or ostracized
Fear of rocking the boat or speaking your truth
Continuous cycle of anger at others for mistreating you
Inability (or inexperience) in trusting yourself
Past experiences of manipulation, control or abuse and the resulting emotional trauma
Fear of being seen as imperfect or flawed
The key is to understand that coming from a low energy place actually reinforces the abuse cycle and this is precisely where the abuser wants us. Responding with fear, anger, bitterness, resentment, judgment etc. actually feeds the abuser energy. Coming from a place of high energy emotions nullifies the abusive energy.
We often immediately go to a low energy emotion without being consciously aware that we are doing it. The first step is to start to monitor our thoughts and feelings to learn how we are automatically responding in different situations. Once we become aware of our responses, we can “own” them and work towards consciously choosing the reaction that will serve us best. Be patient with yourself; as in learning any new skill, this takes time and practice, but eventually it will become second, or should I say ‘first’ nature!
One final thought about how our emotions impact our ability to deal with abuse: think about the question “If I have nothing to fear, could anyone bully me?” This question reminds me to look at my reaction to abuse. What’s the worst that could happen? How likely is that? Are my fears real or just “False Evidence that Appears Real”? These questions can help you ground yourself and focus on your power.
Holding Your Boundaries and Limits
One last tool I will mention are boundaries and limits. A lot of information on this topic has been in the popular media lately so I will be brief. The key is to be conscious of your boundaries and limits and to become aware of when you are letting other people (or yourself) overstep them.
Although I have seen many definitions of boundaries and limits, I define them as follows:
Boundaries are how you will allow other people to treat you; what you are willing to accept.
Limits are what you are willing to do and how you will act; who you are and what you will be.
It may be useful from time to time to consider your boundaries and limits, even writing them down if it is useful.
If we allow people to overstep our boundaries (which is the case in many psychological abuse situations), we need to examine the reasons we let it happen. Do we, in certain situations, allow others to impose their will on us? Do we blindly accept authority when our intuition tells us not to? Are we seeking to fit in, not ‘rock the boat’ or gain approval? Are we afraid of the perceived repercussions of standing firm in our boundaries? Any time we let someone violate our boundaries, it’s a sign that we need to examine our motivations and beliefs, and once again determine what is working for us, and to let go of what isn’t.
Conclusion
There are many more tools and tactics that you can use in abusive situations that are beyond the scope of this article, such as active listening and paraphrasing in difficult conversations, or learning to take ‘time-outs’ to ground yourself and regroup when dealing with difficult people. There are many books and resources on these topics available in your local bookstore or library.
To truly become ‘inoculated’ from abuse, we must first look at how and why we respond the way we do in the face of abuse. When we realize that we play some role in giving the abuser the power to abuse us, we can begin to take that power back. Gandhi gave the world the gift of his example; he led his nation to defeat the tyrannies of the British colonizers by building a belief in empowerment rather than trying to fight force with force. In the long run, empowerment, based on hope and trust, always prevails over fear-based force.
Finally, I have come to believe that everything happens for a reason, and if we experience abuse it is because its an opportunity for us as individuals and society as a whole to become the best we can be by overcoming our fears and standing for respect and hope and trust.
Corey Don is a consultant, coach and facilitator. You can contact him at creyo@shaw.ca