The  Smear  Campaign  of  the  Abuser

(http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/thesmearcampaignoftheabuser.msnw)

"Criticizing others is a dangerous thing, not so much because you may make mistakes about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself".
Judge Harold Medina

At the end of a relationship with abusers, they begin what Lundy Bancroft has coined the “preemptive strike”. They will hurl accusations, usually ‘projection’ at their victim and recruit whatever audience they can fool.

To avoid exposure, the abuser will resort to a smear campaign. On closer examination, the words of the abuser reflect his own behaviour.

Lundy Bancroft, author of 'Why Does He Do That - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,' says…
"A busers increasingly use a tactic I call "preemptive strike," where he accuses the victim of doing all the things that he has done."
UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY AND VISITATION DISPUTES by R. Lundy Bancroft
http://www.wcwonline.org/wrn/lundy.pdf

I think we can all relate to the way our abusers recruit allies and resort to spreading lies, malicious projection, finger-pointing, backstabbing and false rumours by factless innuendo and cruel insinuation. This rallying of troops to his 'camp', the enablers that work with them, is the well-worn tactic of the personality disordered fending off exposure. His lies and calumny an effective coverup of his own actions.

These abusers become ruthless in recruiting our families, closest friends, employers, colleagues and competitors as he systematically attempts to build support for his coverup. His self-serving smear campaign begins. Words cannot describe the hurt that is inflicted. Hang on tight, it's going to be a very cruel and bumpy ride. Don't expect other people to understand. They don't know about this type of abuser - yet!
This abuser will devalue/discard and break off contact with us quickly, claiming to be the victim of cruelty from us. We are cast in a defensive role by this outburst of lies. The abuser has no understanding of the degree of hurt and emotional devastation he creates. He will never know this pain. However, he will only be able to pull it off temporarily because other people don't understand this first-strike tactic of the mentally disordered. They have no personal experience with it and are unable to recognize it. He claims to be the victim and enjoys the limelight attention this generates.

His victims often appear to be vindictive in any attempts to disprove his allegations. Playing the role of the victim, the new recruits see him as the injured party, pitiful and in need of help. Sadly, the abuser will often escalate his smear campaign and the victim becomes subjected to a multi-focused attack. The deceived and gullible recruits often take up his cause and will work as his ally to attack right alongside. Now, the abuser will remain out of the picture as his naive and ignorant recruits do his dirty work. 

If anyone tries to talk about his false accusations, hold up your hand (stop-sign position) and just say something like "I'm sorry he feels that way. What he says are lies. I don't want to hear anything about him". This can have the most amazing effect of causing people to have another look at what they’ve been told. Most people will figure things out for themselves quickly. It's not necessary to defend ourselves further.

"He never really wanted this commitment, he tells any willing (or buttonholed) listener – and anyhow, the relationship was doomed from the beginning by the egregious excesses and exploits of his wife (or partner or friend or boss)."
The Relief of Being Abandoned by Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse14.html

If all else fails, the narcissist recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours - in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses these them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.
The Spouse / Mate / Partner of the Narcissist - Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq6.html

The abuser is now at his summit, and about to topple. This abuser will not engage in a fair fight, but it will ultimately backfire on him. Slowly his newly-recruited allies become aware of the truth. Suspecting his real motives and questioning his actions, they slowly remove themselves and walk away. The ones that hang on are the most dim-witted. Their bad judgement in supporting him is easily transparent. They support the abuser for their own Mephistophelian goals.

This cycle is repeated throughout the life of the abuser. Most of us will become targeted by our abusers in this way.

The battered emotions of the victims will craft thoughts of revenge, vengeance and justice, but his targets, often reeling from these unexpected cruel lies and alientation, will find little solace in their mentally-constructed retaliation thoughts. Your abuser anticipates your pleas of virtue and expects you to retalilate. He has set the bait and your strength will come from remaining 'unbaitable' against this onslaught.   

Over the course of time, this abuser’s audience will abandon him. Those he worked hard to secure by portraying the victim have left. His very actions will alienate anyone still near him. They begin to avoid him like the plague as the discrepancy of his lies and actions surfaces.

We may be able to 'nip it in the bud' by anticipating and emotionally preparing for this common response from the mentally disodered.

Ultimately there will be no audience gathered to listen. That is the self-inflicted fate of his own behaviour. Eventually the abuser faces humiliation and exposure and will withdraw into final isolation. Long after we have healed and moved on, this final treachery will forever be the single act that stands out in our thoughts. Our ultimate victory is the bitter/sweet irony of seeing the abuser portraying himself as the victim as he continues his life-long deeply-ingrained blame-game and his last remaining audience only the walls to hear his lies.

From "If" by Rudyard Kipling,,,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

* * * * * *
"Our credulity is greatest concerning the things we know least about. And since we know least about ourselves, we are ready to believe all that is said about us. Hence the mysterious power of both flattery and calumny." Eric Hoffer

"Be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow, thou shalt not escape calumny."
Shakespeare, Hamlet

One suggestion put forward is to have your lawyer send a cease and desist letter with demand for retraction. However, be aware this type of abuser will have us served with the same right back!! However, that document may be useful in litigation/custody/parental alienation situations. Ask the accuser to provide proof of his accusations. Teach children that "talking behind other's back" is poor behaviour.

Often the best defence is to completely remove yourself from the abuser and those he is able to fool. Unfortunately, this often includes our closest friends and family. He will work hard to keep these groups of people separated. Naive, easily deceived people, may be forever lost to us. Conducting ourselves with grace and dignity will get us through this.  Do not engage in retaliatory mud-slinging that can be used against us, but do let these proxies know they can and will be subpoened in a potential defamation of character action to provide evidence of the origin of the lies he spreads.

On a funnier note, some 'rebuttal' comments we've heard from our members :"Oh Dear, I wonder if he's off his medication again?" "That's the same thing he said about you!." Suggested Response: "(chuckling with a grinning wink) Do you believe him?"

We have used the male gender. Your abuser may be female. You may use this page freely with credit and link to our site for non-commercial applications only.